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Stop Being A People Pleaser | Eight Tips to Help You Step Up Your Game and Learn How to Say NO, Respectfully

10/3/2013

16 Comments

 

Are you a people pleaser? 

Trying to be nice to everyone? Spreading yourself too thin, in fear of letting others down? Finding yourself saying yes to things you would rather not do, so that people would accept and like you? Worrying that if you ever said No, people would instantly think of you as lazy, impolite or uncaring? Well, fear not, for you are not alone... 

leran How to Say No | Life Coaching

Being a people pleaser and not knowing how to say no, can leave you with a deep feeling of disconnect.

In fact, most of us were never taught to even say No, in the first place, never-mind saying it the right way; politely and firmly. I particularly was taught that saying No, was rude and selfish; no wonder I am now, a recovering people pleaser.   

As a life coach, I get to work with people who are going down the same path I did a few years back, willing to juggle a million different things rather than saying No to a plea for help, from a friend or a coworker, ending up having no time for themselves and in most cases unable to cultivate meaningful, mutually respectful relationships. 

For some people, especially women, the yearn for outside validation -aka low self esteem- is so strong that saying yes, becomes almost like a habit, to the person in question, that eventually fails to even notice the source of her frustration and disconnect to others. 

There it is, I said it, being a people pleaser is closely tied to low levels of confidence and self esteem, which means that you are putting everyone else's needs before yours and esteeming others above yourself, thus feeling compelled to agree to every request. 

Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying YES too quickly and not saying NO soon enough. J. Billings [tweet this]

Being a people pleaser can be a hard habit to break but like everything else in life, it can be changed, if you are willing to put the energy, time and effort to make it happen! 

Just imagine how amazing it would feel, if you could naturally communicate your truth to others, if you had already cultivated all the skills needed to deliver a direct yet gentle NO, to a request. To be able to handle delicate conversations with finesse and know when it's time for you to gracefully bow out. Pretty awesome, right? 

Well, a Chinese proverb says "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step". So before you can find your self in a place where the people in your life -like your friends or colleagues- do not expect you to be there for them all the time and complying to their every wish is no longer mandatory, you first have to take those first, often awkward, baby steps. 

So, here goes, 8 tips to help you say No -nicely- and stop being a people pleaser, all wrapped into one!

  • Take your Sweet Time. Who said you have to give your reply right away? If it's hard for you to refuse firmly and politely under pressure, buy yourself some time to collect your thoughts, tap into your intuition and come back with a straight but respectful reply. 
  • Realise you Have a Choice. Here is the thing. When you are a people pleaser, saying YES whenever someone asks for help, even against your better judgement, comes naturally. As if you have no choice over it, whatsoever. Newsflash love, you do have a choice. And every time you say YES to something you know you don't want to do, you suppress your truth, you disrespect yourself and put a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on your shoulders.
  • Practice Being Honest. Share your truth. No upset, no drama, just your own personal truth. "I don't want to go to the cinema today", "I want this promotion, I believe I deserve it", "Your comments are making me uncomfortable, I want you to stop". Let people in your life know where you stand, on everyday matters and see how they respond to it. You might be pleasantly surprised!
  • Be Direct. Develop and master the skills needed to be able to state your point of view directly, firmly and clearly, while showing respect for the other person. Breathe and speak unhurriedly, use a clear tone of voice and take your time delivering your response, bringing more authority to it.  Speak clearly about your decision and try not to colour your communication with guilt or shame. Which brings us to the next point...
  • Do not Apologise.  Most of us believe that when we say No to someone, we have to explain ourselves. We automatically go on the defensive mode, trying to justify our decision, as if we were in a court of law, yet we never seem to do the same when we say yes, do we? Now, if you want to offer an explanation, that's absolutely fine and in fact you should do it, if it feels right to you. But do not feel obliged to do it and most importantly do not apologise. 
  • Do not get Emotional.  Now this, is my personal favourite and believe me when I say that it took many, many, MANY years to become comfortable with it but the rewards were far to great to ignore! Do not take the other person's request or response to your refusal, personal, after all it has nothing to do with you and it says a lot about them too. In any case you are not on the wrong here. None of us can say YES to every request. It's impossible, really. I cannot stress this enough…
  • Find your style. Experiment with different ways of respectfully saying No to others. Sure, you always have to be firm and clear when communicating your decision but how does that translate in a real time conversation? Do you simply say "No, I can't do that, today" or "I don't have the time to work on it but let me refer you to someone who might be of help" or maybe you are just using a firm voice and direct eye contact to get the message across. Practice different ways to say NO and find the one that fits best with who you are as a person.
  • Start Small BUT Start Today. Ok, so now you are intrigued and you want to practice what you just read. A note of caution. Start small, begin to apply the information in ways that feel comfortable and empowering. Do not start by declining a request from your boss. Practice on something smaller, like a request for a night out or baby sitting your sister's toddlers for the forth night in a row. Start simple and work your way to more delicate requests.  

Learning how to say No can take time, but as you gradually build your NO muscles and find the most comfortable way for you, to communicate with others, you will start to clearly see the difference between a people pleaser and someone who genuinely wants to be of help. You will also have both the time and energy to commit to the things that make you feel incredible and save your YES's for people and activities that make your heart sing!

I am not suggesting you shouldn't be helpful or offer your time or expertise for free whenever you feel like it, I am just saying that it should be YOUR choice to do so and not burn yourself out, trying to please everyone that comes to you with a request. It's all about being perfectly comfortable with saying No to things you do not want to do.

As, always I'd love to have your take on this. 
Do you know how to say no nicely? 
Can you refuse a request without feeling the need to explain yourself? 
What makes you say Yes, when you really wanna scream No?
Remember, if you have a question you’d like me to personally answer, 
email me at nichole@take-ten.com

Thank you for Sharing the Love.

TakeTen Life Coaching

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16 Comments
Rhonda
10/3/2013 01:28:39 am

I absolutely loved this Nichole! As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I had great difficulty saying no to others. Now, as I express myself more genuinely, I see that people respect me and my time, more than when i was simply saying yes to everything. Thank again!

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 05:39:56 am

Hello Rhonda,
Baby steps can lead to great changes, so well done you!
Thank you for dropping by :)
xoxo

Reply
Alie
10/3/2013 05:47:05 pm

This is all too timely for me nichole and I am glad to have these tips handy. *takes deep breath*

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 06:08:25 am

You know I am always here for you Alie!
Much love,
xoxo

Reply
Gabrielle
10/4/2013 05:08:37 am

Nichole this one really hit home for me.
I have trouble with people pleasing and its really hard for me to get out of the concept of being nice in that way.
Thank you for sharing this it sure helped me.

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 06:15:18 am

Hi Gabrielle!
Isn't it amazing when something comes along just at the right moment for us? Use the information you found here, experiment with it, email me with your questions if you have some. And move yourself forward.
xoxo

Reply
Efi link
10/5/2013 08:53:30 pm

Oh my, couldnt get this in my inbox a better time! I am just starting to build my No muscles and I also see that people respond quite well to the new me.. As a start I usually say No with a polite voice and try to give them alternatives

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 06:10:38 am

Now that call for my notorious "crazy dance" hands down!
Way to go Efi! Keep building those muscles girl.
Much love,
xoxo

Reply
yiannis m
10/6/2013 09:50:49 pm

Very interesting and useful article Nichole,

It's also difficult for me to say no because I really like serving people and also I feel that saying no it will be taken as an insult by others. However, sometimes I naturally place a wall in front of me and this becomes a no before someone makes a request to me, you know exactly what I mean.

Yiannis m

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 06:17:36 am

Oh, I do! I really do!
And you should be proud you are at that place. It means you have clear boundaries and you are also successful at communicating them to others. Well done Yiannis :)
xoxo

Reply
Beryl
10/7/2013 01:21:41 am

I do so enjoy reading your blog Nichole. It’s becoming part of my weekly internet routine and I am soooo living this today. Thanks for sharing.

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 05:38:14 am

Hi Beryl! Thank you for stopping by my blog and commenting!
Have a beautiful day :)
xoxo

Reply
Alexandra
10/7/2013 07:03:05 pm

Been here too often and I know I need to stop and I have read all about how to stop and still here I am people pleasing daily...

Reply
nichole link
10/12/2013 06:20:52 am

Oh, Alexandra.

I know it is hard for your to bypass this stage you find yourself in.

Do not panic though, just start, start small.

Start by reminding yourself that you do have the right to say no if that is how feel.

Even something so small might prove to be a great start.

Good luck and much, much love,

xoxo

Reply
Janeene
10/8/2013 04:56:31 pm

This is incredibly helpful Nichole.

I always hate having to say no to people, especially my colleagues.

If I could manage to say no more often to them I would undoubtedly have more time and energy to work on my projects and go home much earlier.

I could use that.

Reply
nichole
10/12/2013 06:29:29 am

Thank you so much Janeene! It feels great knowing my posts are actually of help to real people, with real problems.

Just be patient with yourself if you don’t immediately see results with your people pleasing syndrome. It can take practice to feel more and more confident in your ability to say No. It’s definitely a journey. So, take your time. And let me know if you need anything!

Much love,
xoxo

Reply



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