Are you a people pleaser? |  |
Being a people pleaser and not knowing how to say no, can leave you with a deep feeling of disconnect.
In fact, most of us were never taught to even say No, in the first place, never-mind saying it the right way; politely and firmly. I particularly was taught that saying No, was rude and selfish; no wonder I am now, a recovering people pleaser.
As a life coach, I get to work with people who are going down the same path I did a few years back, willing to juggle a million different things rather than saying No to a plea for help, from a friend or a coworker, ending up having no time for themselves and in most cases unable to cultivate meaningful, mutually respectful relationships.
For some people, especially women, the yearn for outside validation -aka low self esteem- is so strong that saying yes, becomes almost like a habit, to the person in question, that eventually fails to even notice the source of her frustration and disconnect to others.
There it is, I said it, being a people pleaser is closely tied to low levels of confidence and self esteem, which means that you are putting everyone else's needs before yours and esteeming others above yourself, thus feeling compelled to agree to every request.
As a life coach, I get to work with people who are going down the same path I did a few years back, willing to juggle a million different things rather than saying No to a plea for help, from a friend or a coworker, ending up having no time for themselves and in most cases unable to cultivate meaningful, mutually respectful relationships.
For some people, especially women, the yearn for outside validation -aka low self esteem- is so strong that saying yes, becomes almost like a habit, to the person in question, that eventually fails to even notice the source of her frustration and disconnect to others.
There it is, I said it, being a people pleaser is closely tied to low levels of confidence and self esteem, which means that you are putting everyone else's needs before yours and esteeming others above yourself, thus feeling compelled to agree to every request.
Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying YES too quickly and not saying NO soon enough. J. Billings [tweet this]
Being a people pleaser can be a hard habit to break but like everything else in life, it can be changed, if you are willing to put the energy, time and effort to make it happen!
Just imagine how amazing it would feel, if you could naturally communicate your truth to others, if you had already cultivated all the skills needed to deliver a direct yet gentle NO, to a request. To be able to handle delicate conversations with finesse and know when it's time for you to gracefully bow out. Pretty awesome, right?
Well, a Chinese proverb says "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step". So before you can find your self in a place where the people in your life -like your friends or colleagues- do not expect you to be there for them all the time and complying to their every wish is no longer mandatory, you first have to take those first, often awkward, baby steps.
Just imagine how amazing it would feel, if you could naturally communicate your truth to others, if you had already cultivated all the skills needed to deliver a direct yet gentle NO, to a request. To be able to handle delicate conversations with finesse and know when it's time for you to gracefully bow out. Pretty awesome, right?
Well, a Chinese proverb says "A journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step". So before you can find your self in a place where the people in your life -like your friends or colleagues- do not expect you to be there for them all the time and complying to their every wish is no longer mandatory, you first have to take those first, often awkward, baby steps.
So, here goes, 8 tips to help you say No -nicely- and stop being a people pleaser, all wrapped into one!
- Take your Sweet Time. Who said you have to give your reply right away? If it's hard for you to refuse firmly and politely under pressure, buy yourself some time to collect your thoughts, tap into your intuition and come back with a straight but respectful reply.
- Realise you Have a Choice. Here is the thing. When you are a people pleaser, saying YES whenever someone asks for help, even against your better judgement, comes naturally. As if you have no choice over it, whatsoever. Newsflash love, you do have a choice. And every time you say YES to something you know you don't want to do, you suppress your truth, you disrespect yourself and put a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress on your shoulders.
- Practice Being Honest. Share your truth. No upset, no drama, just your own personal truth. "I don't want to go to the cinema today", "I want this promotion, I believe I deserve it", "Your comments are making me uncomfortable, I want you to stop". Let people in your life know where you stand, on everyday matters and see how they respond to it. You might be pleasantly surprised!
- Be Direct. Develop and master the skills needed to be able to state your point of view directly, firmly and clearly, while showing respect for the other person. Breathe and speak unhurriedly, use a clear tone of voice and take your time delivering your response, bringing more authority to it. Speak clearly about your decision and try not to colour your communication with guilt or shame. Which brings us to the next point...
- Do not Apologise. Most of us believe that when we say No to someone, we have to explain ourselves. We automatically go on the defensive mode, trying to justify our decision, as if we were in a court of law, yet we never seem to do the same when we say yes, do we? Now, if you want to offer an explanation, that's absolutely fine and in fact you should do it, if it feels right to you. But do not feel obliged to do it and most importantly do not apologise.
- Do not get Emotional. Now this, is my personal favourite and believe me when I say that it took many, many, MANY years to become comfortable with it but the rewards were far to great to ignore! Do not take the other person's request or response to your refusal, personal, after all it has nothing to do with you and it says a lot about them too. In any case you are not on the wrong here. None of us can say YES to every request. It's impossible, really. I cannot stress this enough…
- Find your style. Experiment with different ways of respectfully saying No to others. Sure, you always have to be firm and clear when communicating your decision but how does that translate in a real time conversation? Do you simply say "No, I can't do that, today" or "I don't have the time to work on it but let me refer you to someone who might be of help" or maybe you are just using a firm voice and direct eye contact to get the message across. Practice different ways to say NO and find the one that fits best with who you are as a person.
- Start Small BUT Start Today. Ok, so now you are intrigued and you want to practice what you just read. A note of caution. Start small, begin to apply the information in ways that feel comfortable and empowering. Do not start by declining a request from your boss. Practice on something smaller, like a request for a night out or baby sitting your sister's toddlers for the forth night in a row. Start simple and work your way to more delicate requests.
Learning how to say No can take time, but as you gradually build your NO muscles and find the most comfortable way for you, to communicate with others, you will start to clearly see the difference between a people pleaser and someone who genuinely wants to be of help. You will also have both the time and energy to commit to the things that make you feel incredible and save your YES's for people and activities that make your heart sing!
I am not suggesting you shouldn't be helpful or offer your time or expertise for free whenever you feel like it, I am just saying that it should be YOUR choice to do so and not burn yourself out, trying to please everyone that comes to you with a request. It's all about being perfectly comfortable with saying No to things you do not want to do.
As, always I'd love to have your take on this.
Do you know how to say no nicely?
Can you refuse a request without feeling the need to explain yourself?
What makes you say Yes, when you really wanna scream No?
Remember, if you have a question you’d like me to personally answer,
email me at nichole@take-ten.com
Thank you for Sharing the Love.
email me at nichole@take-ten.com
Thank you for Sharing the Love.
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About Me
Hi, I'm Nichole, and I am a Life Change Architect and a Motivational Speaker, Coaching, Writing and Running Workshops about Personal Growth and Positive Change.
Connect with me on Facebook or email me at nichole@take-ten.com
Hi, I'm Nichole, and I am a Life Change Architect and a Motivational Speaker, Coaching, Writing and Running Workshops about Personal Growth and Positive Change.
Connect with me on Facebook or email me at nichole@take-ten.com
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