Toxic Friends and How To Spot and Deal with Them | Part I | Are You in a Toxic Friendship?

Although it is true that supportive friends are priceless, it is equally true, that friendships do go wrong sometimes and we find ourselves trapped in toxic friendships, usually with people we know, from many years back and with whom, we no longer have anything in common, apart from the things we have shared in the past. 

Free yourself from destructive relationships.

Toxic friends are sometimes hard to spot and even harder to deal with.

A couple of years back, I had to go through a rather painful, friendship housecleaning, myself and I can tell you, from personal experience, that spotting those toxic relationships, was quite tricky. 

You see, my frenemies, where so subtle and manipulative, that I had to spend quite some time in uncertainty, feeling bad, guilty or even at fault, before it finally dawned on me, that true friendships are healing and supportive and anything less, simply will not fit the bill. 

After purging the clutter and freeing myself from those destructive relationships, I could finally breathe freely, in my newly, toxic friend free, environment and ever since, I am a firm believer in quality, rather than quantity, when it comes to friendships. 

Now, don't get me wrong here, I don't mean to imply that my friendships are perfect. All healthy relationships are dynamic, complex and at times, even tough.  But as opposed to a true friend, having a bad day (or week, or even a month) and taking it out on the people he loves most; his friends, a toxic "friend" will continuously be unsupportive, draining, critical and always ready to undermine those around him.

Are your friends members of the Toxic Friends Club?

Here is what I have learned about toxic friends, their typical behaviours and how one usually feels, after spending time with them.

He/She will continuously: 

• Try to manipulate you, usually by accusing you of not caring enough.
  
• Make constant one-sided demands and are more adversarial than supportive.
  
• Be critical of your appearance, behaviour, relationships etc.
  
• Gossip, thrive on drama and never keep a secret. 
  
• Ignore your problems and are only interested in themselves.

You will continuously: 

• Doubt yourself and your decisions when you are around them.
• Be sceptical of sharing your joy with them, with no apparent reason.
  
• Feel confused, invalidated and often even bad about yourself after spending time with them.
• Feel drained, belittled, unsatisfied and confused.
• Be exchausted as if you were swimming against the tide.
  

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You're The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With [tweet this]

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So, why is it so hard to spot a toxic friend? 

First of, you do not know your "friend", is actually a frenemie and so you hardly ever question his motives. You probably even know each other for ages and taking the time to reassess your situation never even crossed your mind. You are convinced they only have your best interest at heart when they say "Wow, your kid is so active! I really admire you for being such a patient parent." or "You look amazing in this photo! That peplum blouse really masks those extra inches around your belly. Good for you." 

Toxic friends are very adept and they will probably never be outright cruel to you. Nevertheless, on a deeper level, you already know who they are. 

They are the ones you can never be your genuine self with. 
The ones you have to wear a mask to be accepted. 
The ones with which you should always agree, in order to get along with. 
The ones you are sceptical of sharing your joy with. 
The ones you cannot trust with your deepest fears and concerns. 

Supportive friends are not like that. Not on a constant basis; that is.

So, this week, take some time to think about the people in your life and ask yourself the following questions, for each one of them. Now, is the time to spring clean your friendships. 

1. When I am around them, do I feel accepted and loved? 
2. Do I share my deepest fears or highest joys with them?
3. When we meet, do I feel lifted and energised or drained and negative, from our interaction?
4. Are they genuinely celebrating my accomplishments or do they get defencive or pseudo-excited?

Next week, I will write more on confronting toxic friends and setting new, healthier boundaries. 

If you have a question you’d like me to personally answer, email me at [email protected]

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Other Posts You might Like:
My Friends, My Family, My Support System 
Gremlin You, Gremlin Me and our First Weekly Challenge, Part I
Gremlin You, Gremlin Me Part II | Beating Your Inner Critic to Submission

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About the Author

Nichole, is a Life Change Architect and a Motivational Speaker, Coaching, Writing and Running Workshops about Personal Growth and Positive Change. 

Connect with Nichole on Facebook or email her at [email protected]

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