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Toxic Friends and How to Spot and Deal with Them | Part II | Dealing with Toxic Friends.

5/31/2013

17 Comments

 


In my last post, I shared with you my very personal How To Spot a Toxic Friend Guide and challenged you to spring clean your friendships, using a few powerful questions. And you did. Continuous backhanded compliments, long standing hurtful statements drizzled with humour and recurrent negative comments disguised as caring interest, were exposed and reassessed.

getting rid of toxic friends
Embrace new supportive friendships and move on.

Are You in A Toxic Friendship? Lets see what happened during our weekly challenge.

During the week, I found myself receiving more emails than I ever did, during our 4 month blogging love affair. 

And I am talking heartfelt, highly emotional emails, mostly from women (toxic female friends are notorious), all of whom were astounded by the fact that they were actually trapped in toxic friendships; friendships longer than their marriages or older than their children and still they had no idea about it. 

Some of you admitted to being aware of a vague sense of discomfort when being around the "toxics", but you still found your frenemies to be great, at some point or another and so, you never questioned your gut feeling, any further.

Many of you, were also wondering how something like a toxic friendship could go under the radar for so long, how you held onto such a friendship, for longer than was healthy or how you have simply accepted being poorly treated by the people you cared for, the most.

So, really, why do we stay in unsupportive, draining, toxic friendships, in the first place?

I do not believe in one-size-fits-all, solutions and I am pretty sure there is a unique reason or better yet a set of reasons that had led each and every one of us, here. Maybe it was our need to feel wanted or our tendency to not be cross with others, our fear of being judged or that we never even considered the fact, that this wasn't the way friends treat each other.

In my case, it was my inability to set clear boundaries, especially when it came to friendships. You see, while I could definitely hold my ground with a colleague or a boyfriend, when it came to my friends, nothing seemed to cross the line of acceptable. 

If you are anything like me, your parents probably taught you quite enough about being polite, extending yourself and trying to be helpful, especially to your friends. And that would actually be wonderful, if these teachings were also accompanied by the invaluable knowledge of setting healthy boundaries for what we accept from others. For most of us, that is not the case. And so without us even realising it, we become easy targets for all sorts of toxic friends.

OK, I just discovered I am in a toxic friendship. Now What? | Dealing with Toxic Friends.

Well, the tricky part is recognising you are in the company of a toxic friend -always remember there is a difference between a good friend going through a bad period and a bad friend who is constantly adversarial-, so you are already on the right track. 

Now that this phase is done and over with, it is time for you to decide how much pushing around you will or will not take from them, from now on. 

Again the choice is yours to make, but bare in mind that you cannot change other people's behaviour for them and you have no power over their attitudes and limiting beliefs. In other words, it is time for you, to take responsibility for silently accepting the situation this far and consciously deciding on your next steps.

In most cases, dealing with a toxic friend can be easier said than done and I am not sure there is a painless way of handling or even distancing yourself from a frenemie. 

What I do know, for certain, is that when you learn to trust your instincts and remove yourself from negative, toxic relationships, you create room in your life for wonderfully supportive friendships to grow and blossom. 

As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends, and more important to have real ones. [tweet this]

So, get rid of the guilt and read my 4 most effective ways of dealing with toxic friends.

The One Where You Become The Boss
Your friends are toxic. You know it. They know it. It's confrontation time. 
What to Do: Sit together and let them know how they treat you wrong, try to help them see how their attitude or negative behaviour is driving you away. Be honest (not cruel). Set clear boundaries for your newly established relationship (see The One Where You Adjust the Sails). Learn to say NO and if things do not work out after a set period of time, wish them well and break the ties.

The One Where You Set Sail
You know this friend is toxic but you are definitely not ready for a confrontation. 
What to Do: Spend more time with people and activities that make you happy. Embrace new relationships, surround yourself with positive people, spend more time with those that make you smile. It doesn't have to be a million people, even one person, that genuinely cares for you, will do. How do you feel now? If you are feeling much better after exploring your options, maybe its time to cut the cord.

The One Where You Adjust The Sails
You still believe there is hope here and although you are not quite happy in the friendship you are not ready to cut lose, just yet. 
What to Do: Instead of constantly trying to please them, focus on yourself and your needs. When they become negative, tell them you need to hear something positive instead. Do not add to their negativity list. Spend less time with them, without cutting the cord. Tell them what you feel instead of pampering their ego. Be your imperfectly, perfect self when you are with them and see how they react. 

The One Where You Disappear
You are absolutely sure your friends are toxic and you know them long enough to know that arguing with them is futile. Plus you are too uncomfortable to face them in person. 
What to Do: Cut the anchor that binds you to your toxic friends and peacefully sail away. Give them the silent treatment, stop answering their emails, ignore their phone calls, decline their offers to go out. Eventually they will get the hint.
I believe that in this life, we rarely, if ever, lose friends, we simply figure out who the real ones are. 

So, do not be afraid to distance yourself from negative, unsupportive friends. Trust your judgement. Move on and soon new loving friendships will take form where love will be evident and sincere.
If you have a question you’d like me to personally answer, email me at [email protected]
If you enjoyed this post, share it! Facebook it, Tweet it, Digg it or email it to friends. 
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Other Posts You might Like:
Toxic Friends and How To Spot and Deal with Them | Part I | Are You in a Toxic Friendship?
5 Tips for moving from Self-Judgment, to Self-Compassion
My Friends, My Family, My Support System 

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About the Author

Nichole, is a Life Change Architect and a Motivational Speaker, Coaching, Writing and Running Workshops about Personal Growth and Positive Change. 

Connect with Nichole on Facebook or email her at [email protected]


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17 Comments
Chanda
6/2/2013 06:25:08 pm

Ouch... I really do struggle with setting boundaries for what I accept from others.Stepping out my "people pleaser" profile feels harder than ever. Any ideas?

Reply
nichole link
6/7/2013 08:00:49 pm

Hello Chanda,

First of, you are not alone. Many of us encounter difficulty whenever we have to say no and set healthy boundaries.

Still that is the only way to maintain strong realtionship both on a personal and a professional level.

I am thinking about writing a relevant post quite soon, so stay tuned.

xoxo

Reply
TC
6/8/2013 02:04:47 pm

When the person is the father of your children this is very complicated , agreed? Good Advice though

Reply
nichole
6/9/2013 04:50:10 am

So, true TC, that can really complicate the situation and in most cases both parties involved need some short of guidance to get them through the maze.

Susie
6/3/2013 06:51:20 pm

I think for now "The One Where I Disappear" will do just fine. I am not feeling ready for anything more, too drained. Thank you for the inspiration and great work Nichole.

Reply
nichole link
6/7/2013 08:17:47 pm

Hello Susie,

You have to start with what you feel more comfortable with. The important word here, being "START". The longer you stay in an toxic friendship the more drained and unsutisfied you will feel.

Take the first step today and set yourself free.

xoxo

Reply
Kiki
6/4/2013 07:36:18 pm

Dealing with a toxic friend can be hard at first but it can also be so empowering and liberating. You are taking your life back and nothing can compare to that.
Thank you for sharing this Nichole, bless you and yours.

Reply
nichole
6/7/2013 08:21:40 pm

Hello Kiki,

Thank you for your kind words. You sound like someone who has been in a toxic friendship. I too, felt exactly like that. Taking my life back.

xoxo

Reply
Alie
6/5/2013 05:39:00 pm

Great post yet again Nichole. I just got a chance to read it.
I would go with the dissapearing act and start working on building a positive support network ASAP.

Reply
nichole link
6/7/2013 08:24:40 pm

Hello my Alie,

I know you are already on your way to clearing the derbits in your life and I couldn't be more proud!

Hugs

Reply
Vikram
6/5/2013 09:49:40 pm

I am also in the process of breaking up with a friend and I know it is harder than it sounds. I feel that other people are also effected by my decision and I keep going back and forth with it. I quess I am Adjusting the Sails right now but I would much ratehr get it over it like a bandaid. I don;t know if that makes any sense to you but that's how it feels. Thank you for the inspiration.

Reply
nichole link
6/7/2013 08:34:48 pm

Hello Vikram,

And thank you for sharing your story with us.

I can understand how other people can be effected by your decision but it is still your decision to make.

So, as long as you are not trying to make them take sides and share gossip or negative comments about the person in question, there is no reason for them to make you feel bad.

Your feelings are valid and you shouldn't have to explain yourself. That is one of the great treats of being an adult.

xoxo

Reply
Milee Cyrus link
3/14/2014 07:28:13 pm

When the person is the father of your children this is very complicated. I quess I am Adjusting the Sails right now but I would much ratehr get it over it like a bandaid.Still that is the only way to maintain strong realtionship both on a personal and a professional level.

Reply
Sarah Koszyk link
4/6/2014 01:27:44 am

This is a very powerful post! I agree with the statement that the older you get, you realize you don't need as many friends...just the ones that really matter. Setting boundaries is huge. I still struggle with that at times because I want to "please everyone." But in the end, it doesn't work for either of us. So adjusting the sails and becoming the boss are great tips for me to start to put into practice. Thanks!

Reply
micaa
6/3/2014 02:26:20 am

Nichole this article is great :)) my friend , we were like best friends , started ignoring me for no reason. She was always toxic but i didnt realise it. I just noticed that she wanted to change my clothes my make-up..... She is always depressed and I think she is ignoring me because she wants to torture me and make me her slave . I feel bad because i cant believe she was so mean but i think we will never be good friends like before . :((

And i noticed when i started spending more time with her , i started to be negative and bored all the time . She was really a dear bff so i wasnt paying attention on details - she always has some " great" ideas , she is smart , she is the best , when she speaks we need to listen and smile etc.
Ty for this article again xD we need to avoid toxic people cuz they will make our life really dark and negative.

Reply
Jaime link
10/19/2015 03:46:11 pm

Very well written Nichole.I truly believe release and letting go its the right path to freedom it ends all suffering.However, the most challenging part in life is to master the control of our emotions.Something that will take time but nothing is impossible. I myself was tired of pessimist people. I just got tired of people telling me "you can't do this, you can't do that" till one day I decided to take charge and would tell people whenever they would say this to me.Don't tell me what I can't do but rather ask me what can I do and I would reply I know alot more than ya think.Ya see Nichole, I see it this way we are All STARS! were sometimes just not shining bright enough for people to take notice:-)

Best Regards,
Jaime

Reply
Debbie
12/29/2017 07:52:55 pm

This, and your prior article on how to spot toxic friends is so helpful. My husband and I thought we were rid of a toxic couple we met as neighbors raising our children together. Fast forward twenty five years and they’ve retired to the same location as us, want to be with our new, genuine friends, and expect to spend lots of time with us. I was raised to be polite, exactly as you pointed out, and I didn’t even have a reference for why this couple made my husband and me (yes, we agree and we’ve spent hours talking about how to deal with them) feel so bad after we’d seen them. We are now aggressively going the way of disappearing, easier said-than-done in our new smaller community as opposed to our former huge metropolitan area. Our true friends are confused because we’ve stopped socializing when we know the frenemies are in attendance. Honestly, I had no idea this would happen to us at this age! Ugh. Wish us luck!

Reply



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