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|  Embrace new supportive friendships and move on. |
Are You in A Toxic Friendship? Lets see what happened during our weekly challenge.
During the week, I found myself receiving more emails than I ever did, during our 4 month blogging love affair.
And I am talking heartfelt, highly emotional emails, mostly from women (toxic female friends are notorious), all of whom were astounded by the fact that they were actually trapped in toxic friendships; friendships longer than their marriages or older than their children and still they had no idea about it.
Some of you admitted to being aware of a vague sense of discomfort when being around the "toxics", but you still found your frenemies to be great, at some point or another and so, you never questioned your gut feeling, any further.
Many of you, were also wondering how something like a toxic friendship could go under the radar for so long, how you held onto such a friendship, for longer than was healthy or how you have simply accepted being poorly treated by the people you cared for, the most.
And I am talking heartfelt, highly emotional emails, mostly from women (toxic female friends are notorious), all of whom were astounded by the fact that they were actually trapped in toxic friendships; friendships longer than their marriages or older than their children and still they had no idea about it.
Some of you admitted to being aware of a vague sense of discomfort when being around the "toxics", but you still found your frenemies to be great, at some point or another and so, you never questioned your gut feeling, any further.
Many of you, were also wondering how something like a toxic friendship could go under the radar for so long, how you held onto such a friendship, for longer than was healthy or how you have simply accepted being poorly treated by the people you cared for, the most.
So, really, why do we stay in unsupportive, draining, toxic friendships, in the first place?
I do not believe in one-size-fits-all, solutions and I am pretty sure there is a unique reason or better yet a set of reasons that had led each and every one of us, here. Maybe it was our need to feel wanted or our tendency to not be cross with others, our fear of being judged or that we never even considered the fact, that this wasn't the way friends treat each other.
In my case, it was my inability to set clear boundaries, especially when it came to friendships. You see, while I could definitely hold my ground with a colleague or a boyfriend, when it came to my friends, nothing seemed to cross the line of acceptable.
If you are anything like me, your parents probably taught you quite enough about being polite, extending yourself and trying to be helpful, especially to your friends. And that would actually be wonderful, if these teachings were also accompanied by the invaluable knowledge of setting healthy boundaries for what we accept from others. For most of us, that is not the case. And so without us even realising it, we become easy targets for all sorts of toxic friends.
In my case, it was my inability to set clear boundaries, especially when it came to friendships. You see, while I could definitely hold my ground with a colleague or a boyfriend, when it came to my friends, nothing seemed to cross the line of acceptable.
If you are anything like me, your parents probably taught you quite enough about being polite, extending yourself and trying to be helpful, especially to your friends. And that would actually be wonderful, if these teachings were also accompanied by the invaluable knowledge of setting healthy boundaries for what we accept from others. For most of us, that is not the case. And so without us even realising it, we become easy targets for all sorts of toxic friends.
OK, I just discovered I am in a toxic friendship. Now What? | Dealing with Toxic Friends.
Well, the tricky part is recognising you are in the company of a toxic friend -always remember there is a difference between a good friend going through a bad period and a bad friend who is constantly adversarial-, so you are already on the right track.
Now that this phase is done and over with, it is time for you to decide how much pushing around you will or will not take from them, from now on.
Again the choice is yours to make, but bare in mind that you cannot change other people's behaviour for them and you have no power over their attitudes and limiting beliefs. In other words, it is time for you, to take responsibility for silently accepting the situation this far and consciously deciding on your next steps.
In most cases, dealing with a toxic friend can be easier said than done and I am not sure there is a painless way of handling or even distancing yourself from a frenemie.
What I do know, for certain, is that when you learn to trust your instincts and remove yourself from negative, toxic relationships, you create room in your life for wonderfully supportive friendships to grow and blossom.
Now that this phase is done and over with, it is time for you to decide how much pushing around you will or will not take from them, from now on.
Again the choice is yours to make, but bare in mind that you cannot change other people's behaviour for them and you have no power over their attitudes and limiting beliefs. In other words, it is time for you, to take responsibility for silently accepting the situation this far and consciously deciding on your next steps.
In most cases, dealing with a toxic friend can be easier said than done and I am not sure there is a painless way of handling or even distancing yourself from a frenemie.
What I do know, for certain, is that when you learn to trust your instincts and remove yourself from negative, toxic relationships, you create room in your life for wonderfully supportive friendships to grow and blossom.
As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends, and more important to have real ones. [tweet this]
So, get rid of the guilt and read my 4 most effective ways of dealing with toxic friends.
The One Where You Become The Boss
Your friends are toxic. You know it. They know it. It's confrontation time.
What to Do: Sit together and let them know how they treat you wrong, try to help them see how their attitude or negative behaviour is driving you away. Be honest (not cruel). Set clear boundaries for your newly established relationship (see The One Where You Adjust the Sails). Learn to say NO and if things do not work out after a set period of time, wish them well and break the ties.
The One Where You Set Sail
You know this friend is toxic but you are definitely not ready for a confrontation.
What to Do: Spend more time with people and activities that make you happy. Embrace new relationships, surround yourself with positive people, spend more time with those that make you smile. It doesn't have to be a million people, even one person, that genuinely cares for you, will do. How do you feel now? If you are feeling much better after exploring your options, maybe its time to cut the cord.
The One Where You Adjust The Sails
You still believe there is hope here and although you are not quite happy in the friendship you are not ready to cut lose, just yet.
What to Do: Instead of constantly trying to please them, focus on yourself and your needs. When they become negative, tell them you need to hear something positive instead. Do not add to their negativity list. Spend less time with them, without cutting the cord. Tell them what you feel instead of pampering their ego. Be your imperfectly, perfect self when you are with them and see how they react.
The One Where You Disappear
You are absolutely sure your friends are toxic and you know them long enough to know that arguing with them is futile. Plus you are too uncomfortable to face them in person.
What to Do: Cut the anchor that binds you to your toxic friends and peacefully sail away. Give them the silent treatment, stop answering their emails, ignore their phone calls, decline their offers to go out. Eventually they will get the hint.
The One Where You Become The Boss
Your friends are toxic. You know it. They know it. It's confrontation time.
What to Do: Sit together and let them know how they treat you wrong, try to help them see how their attitude or negative behaviour is driving you away. Be honest (not cruel). Set clear boundaries for your newly established relationship (see The One Where You Adjust the Sails). Learn to say NO and if things do not work out after a set period of time, wish them well and break the ties.
The One Where You Set Sail
You know this friend is toxic but you are definitely not ready for a confrontation.
What to Do: Spend more time with people and activities that make you happy. Embrace new relationships, surround yourself with positive people, spend more time with those that make you smile. It doesn't have to be a million people, even one person, that genuinely cares for you, will do. How do you feel now? If you are feeling much better after exploring your options, maybe its time to cut the cord.
The One Where You Adjust The Sails
You still believe there is hope here and although you are not quite happy in the friendship you are not ready to cut lose, just yet.
What to Do: Instead of constantly trying to please them, focus on yourself and your needs. When they become negative, tell them you need to hear something positive instead. Do not add to their negativity list. Spend less time with them, without cutting the cord. Tell them what you feel instead of pampering their ego. Be your imperfectly, perfect self when you are with them and see how they react.
The One Where You Disappear
You are absolutely sure your friends are toxic and you know them long enough to know that arguing with them is futile. Plus you are too uncomfortable to face them in person.
What to Do: Cut the anchor that binds you to your toxic friends and peacefully sail away. Give them the silent treatment, stop answering their emails, ignore their phone calls, decline their offers to go out. Eventually they will get the hint.
I believe that in this life, we rarely, if ever, lose friends, we simply figure out who the real ones are.
So, do not be afraid to distance yourself from negative, unsupportive friends. Trust your judgement. Move on and soon new loving friendships will take form where love will be evident and sincere.
So, do not be afraid to distance yourself from negative, unsupportive friends. Trust your judgement. Move on and soon new loving friendships will take form where love will be evident and sincere.
If you have a question you’d like me to personally answer, email me at nichole@take-ten.com
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Thank you for Sharing the Love.
Other Posts You might Like:
Toxic Friends and How To Spot and Deal with Them | Part I | Are You in a Toxic Friendship?
5 Tips for moving from Self-Judgment, to Self-Compassion
My Friends, My Family, My Support System
Toxic Friends and How To Spot and Deal with Them | Part I | Are You in a Toxic Friendship?
5 Tips for moving from Self-Judgment, to Self-Compassion
My Friends, My Family, My Support System
About the Author
Nichole, is a Life Change Architect and a Motivational Speaker, Coaching, Writing and Running Workshops about Personal Growth and Positive Change.
Connect with Nichole on Facebook or email her at nichole@take-ten.com
Nichole, is a Life Change Architect and a Motivational Speaker, Coaching, Writing and Running Workshops about Personal Growth and Positive Change.
Connect with Nichole on Facebook or email her at nichole@take-ten.com
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